


13x12 Coda: Used

by Piper_Halliwell1979



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Love Confessions, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season/Series 13, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 15:34:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13616343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Halliwell1979/pseuds/Piper_Halliwell1979
Summary: After the events of 13x12, Dean, Sam, and Castiel open up old wounds to finally discuss their past traumas.





	13x12 Coda: Used

**Author's Note:**

> It has been heavily implied that both Sam and Dean were sexually abused in Hell. Men are far less likely to come forward to talk about it.

 

Dean retreated to the shower after his talk with Sam. The love spell, if it it didn’t last too long, left him feeling dirty to his core. He hadn’t slept with her, but she  _ used _ him. Manipulated him. His free will was taken from him and Dean felt violated. He turned the water as hot as he could stand it and started scrubbing.

 

Alistar. The Siren. Witches. The Amazon who baby trapped him. The Mark. Amara. Q’reen. They all used him, tricked him. His mind and body weren’t his own. And why him? Why anybody for that matter? And Sam wondered why Dean never gave real love a chance.

 

Because every version had been perverse to him. He believed his father loved him but it was as long as he was submissive, obedient. He took one step out of line...that wasn’t love. Cassie loved who she thought he was and quickly pushed him away when he tried to tell her the truth. Lisa lied to him. Told him Ben wasn’t his so he’d never take him away from her. She allowed him to pretend to be a father so if he left, he walked away alone. 

 

And Amara. She thought she had some claim on him. She tried to force him to love her. It was just a sick obsession that really had nothing to do with him. She tried to convince him there was something wrong with him when he couldn’t submit to her.

 

His own mother manipulated him. Lied to him for months. Then gave him the same cold shoulder John did when he balked at the British Men of Letters. Like  _ that  _ didn’t bite them all in the ass.

 

He stayed in the shower until his skin was red from the heat and the loofah he used on it. Dean just wanted to crawl in his bed for a week and try to put it past him.

 

Sam hadn’t come out and directly said it, but Dean had his suspicions that his kid brother had it even worse than him. After Lady Toni Sam flinched when a blonde woman got near him. Dean wouldn’t put sexual abuse past her as a means for torture. And Lucifer. He spent an earth year in the cage with that sadistic fuck. Lucifer had to have been worse than Alistair and Dean had endured thirty years of every kind of abuse the demon could dish out.

 

_ Raped. The fucker raped me.  _ Dean screwed his eyes closed tight to keep himself from breaking down. It was done. It was over. Alistair was dead and couldn’t hurt him anymore. But that kind of trauma stayed. All the night terrors Sam and Bobby nursed him through were far worse than he let on. 

 

Dean was in his robe, padding barefoot back to his room when he saw Cas walking towards his room. “Cas?”

 

The angel ran towards him and threw his arms around Dean. For a second the touch of another body made Dean’s stomach lurch. But it was Cas...his best friend in the world and Dean could tell he was hurting too. Dean swallowed back the rising bile and tried to shift his focus.

 

“Dean, I’m so sorry.”

 

“For what?”

 

“I should have listened to you. I should have let you come with me to the playground. It was a trap. They attacked me and of all people it was  _ Lucifer _ who helped me.”

 

Dean felt another wave of nausea. Lucifer was alive. And back. And his mother wasn’t. “What did he do?” Dean asked through gritted teeth. He was still holding Cas but at an arm’s length.

 

“He threatened them and flashed his eyes. It was enough to get away. He’s basically powerless. Michael took his grace for the portal spell and he jumped it. I tried to call you but he caught me. Then Asmodeus took us both from the bar.”

 

“But I talked to you. You didn’t sound right.”

 

“Asmodeus used my voice to keep you and Sam away so Ketch could look for Jack.”

 

Dean backed away from him. His eyes were wide with terror. “How do I know you’re not him?”

 

“Dean? You know me better than anyone. Our bond. Don’t you feel it? It went away for two days. I thought you were dead. Then it came back and I felt you and Claire calling out to me.”

 

But Dean’s body was going into a panic attack. Everything was too bright. The sound of Cas’ voice was muddled and warped. His limbs tingled and his chest ached. Cas caught him before he hit the ground and carried him to his bed. Sam had heard them talking and came to see what was going on.

 

Sam led Cas away to let Dean rest. “There’s something you should know.”

 

“I know he has panic attacks, Sam.”

 

“A witch. She cast a love spell on him and Rowena came out of hiding to fix it. It messed him up pretty bad. Not like the memory spell but...you know how he is about losing control.”

 

Cas paced. It wasn’t his business to share but Sam seemed unaware of Dean’s consent trigger. “It’s more than losing control. It’s about being overpowered and used. It puts him back in a dark place.”

 

Sam stopped him mid-stride. “I’ve seen Dean’s dark places. He killed himself over the last one and if it wasn’t for Billie sending him back…” Now Sam had overstepped. Dean was going to kick his ass. 

 

“Because I died,” Castiel concluded. “I’ve expressed to him how sorry I was to cause him that pain. This...this is darker than death, Sam.”

 

“What’s worse than death?”

 

“Hell. What happened to him in Hell. He didn’t lose control when he started torturing souls. He  _ found _ it again. He inflicted some of the pain brought to him and it was helping him. When Uriel had me ask him to question Alistair...I shouldn’t have done it. Refused. Smote Uriel.”

 

“Cas, please tell me you’re not saying what I’m thinking right now." Sam bent over to grip the back of a chair. Dean should have opened up to him earlier when he was trying to share his own traumatic truth.

 

“You had to have suspected, Sam. The long showers, the nightmares, lying to you about being with women. I had hoped it would end when you ended Alistair. Every time he’s manipulated it comes back.”

 

Sam wiped a tear from his cheek. “When did he tell you?”

 

“Purgatory. There was so much killing that he almost slipped back into the role of torturer’s apprentice. It was enough for the nightmares to come and I asked him. He waited until Benny went to look for shelter and broke down.”

 

Sam started to sob so Cas pulled him into a comforting embrace. “Why didn’t he tell me?”

 

Cas ran his hand up and down Sam’s back in an attempt to soothe him. “Dean has gone and will go to extreme lengths to protect you.”

 

“But I…” Sam pulled away and dropped his head. “You know, don’t you?”

 

“Lucifer, when I allowed him to possess me, I saw some of his thoughts. I couldn’t discern fact from fantasy so I tried to keep him away from you.”

 

“Believe me, if he’d possessed anyone else but you I would have let Amara kill him. But I couldn’t do that to Dean, to you, to myself.” Sam pulled back the chair and flopped down in it. “What are we supposed to do? Leave him be? Talk it through? I tried talking to him about Lucifer. He didn’t seem to want to.”

 

Cas sat beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I believe, in order for you both to heal, you have to speak to each other about this. You’ve both been suffering alone for too long.”

 

“At least Dean has you.”

 

“I’m here for you as well, Sam. I love you like a brother, more so than any of my brethren.”

 

“I know, Cas. I love you, too.”

 

***

 

Dean rolled over in his bed to find something solid next to him. He reached for the gun that  _ wasn _ ’t under his pillow as his eyes flew open and he scrambled back enough to fall on the floor.

 

“Dean! It’s me. Just me,” Sam sat up.

 

“What the hell are you doing in my bed?”

 

“You had a panic attack and passed out. You scared the hell out of Cas so I stayed to make sure you were okay.”

 

Dean pulled himself to his feet and retied his robe. “He still here?”

 

“Of course he is, Dean. He’s worried about you. I told him about the spell and...he told me about Asmodeus and Lucifer.”

 

“My head’s been messed with so much lately. I don’t know what’s real or what isn’t.”

 

“Cas is real. He knows things...things Asmodeus couldn’t. Things he saw when Lucifer possessed him.”

 

Dean swallowed hard. “You don’t...you don’t have to talk about it, Sam. The past is done. Alright? We’re just gonna go to work and push forward.”

 

“No it isn’t. We’ve both been avoiding this for too long. Even if you don’t want to, I need to talk about it. So just...listen. What happened to me in Hell, it comes back in bits and pieces. But I remember what Lucifer did to me. And it wasn’t the only time. Remember when that kid swapped bodies with me? He used my body to sleep with someone. Meg tried to use me to assault Jo. Gadreel used my body to kill Kevin. And Toni used a spell on me. I know what it’s like to be manipulated. And used. And...raped.”

 

Dean had already started tearing up when Sam started talking. By the last two words his cheeks were stained with salty wetness. “I am so, so sorry, Sam. I should’ve been there. To protect you.”

 

“And I should have been there to protect  _ you. _ But it happened. To  _ both _ of us.”

 

“Cas tell you that?”

 

“He didn’t have to. I already suspected. Alistair. Amara. I knew there was gonna be fallout from the love spell.”

 

Dean wiped his face and sat on the bed next to his brother. “Could’ve gone a lifetime without bringing this up.”

 

“I know, Dean. But we shouldn’t have to. Men get assaulted all the time and never speak up. I’m not saying we see a shrink or anything, but when it gets bad...we talk to each other, to Cas.”

 

“I already talked it out with him. He knows how messed up I am.”

 

“And he still loves you. He knows every deep, dark secret inside us and he’s here, with us.”

 

Dean launched himself off his bed. “How? How in the hell can he love me? I’m too broken to fix. To put that kind of baggage on him? It isn’t fair, Sam! Now, he’s  _ family. _ And I can get with that. I can rely on my brothers and be there for them but I am  _ never _ gonna shackle all my shit to somebody.”

 

“Don’t I get a say in what I feel, Dean?” Cas appeared in the doorway. “If you can believe I am capable of loving you as a brother, how can you not believe I could love you as a man? As a lover?”

 

Dean shook his head. “No. I’m not doing this.”

He tried to push past Cas but was held in place by strong arms. “Let me go,” Dean growled.

 

“I will say my piece and let you be. Deal?”

 

“Fine. Spit it out,” Dean relented.

 

“Dean, I can accept our relationship as it is. I don’t expect you to return my feelings. But you have to know that I don’t see you as broken. I see you, and your brother, as fighters. As survivors. I admire your strength and your courage. You confided in me and it only made me love you more, for living and pushing forward. You’ve endured more than most humans and you’re still looking for the good in humanity. You keep saving innocents. And you do it for  _ them _ , not for some cosmic balance. I love you for all that you are, Dean. Nothing will change that.”

 

Sam quietly slipped past them. Whatever happened next would be intense and personal. He’d already witnessed more than his brother was probably comfortable with.

 

“You say you wanna be with me. You want the angry, repressed mess? You want the guy who’s fucking terrified of any kind of real intimacy? I could have a meltdown and go off on you. I could beat the hell out of you in my sleep when I have a nightmare. If you want that you’re more fucked up than I am.”

 

Cas seethed. “Well maybe I am  _ fucked up _ . I have been used and manipulated and... _ violated _ as much as you. I have been in the throes of depression deep enough to want to end myself. But I fight. I fight for  _ you _ . For my family. For humanity. Even when I didn’t deem myself worthy of fighting for.” Cas put two hands on Dean’s chest and pushed him. “You think I can’t take it? I’ve  _ been _ taking it. I’ve held my tongue about how I feel. I’ve held you and pinned you to keep you from hurting yourself in your sleep. I held your soul when it was still raw from what Alistair did to you and I held your body in Purgatory when you finally said it all out loud. I came back from the dead for you. I escaped Asmodeus for you. I defied all of heaven and refused their invitations back for you. Now look me in the eye and tell me I’m wrong.”

 

Dean saw all the passion in Castiel’s eyes, a fire he hadn’t seen since they told Michael and Lucifer to fuck off. “I can’t, Cas.”

 

He took it as a small victory. He calmed himself and backed away from Dean. “I’ll give you some space. I think we’ve all opened some wounds tonight that require time to heal. I’m not leaving, Dean. I’ll be in my room if you wish to talk. About anything.” He left Dean standing in his room alone.

 

***

 

Dean didn’t get much sleep. He doubted Sam had either. He knew Cas had been up since he didn’t sleep unless he was banged up pretty bad. Maybe the emotional hits were enough for him to need rest. He dressed himself and walked past Cas’ closed door for the kitchen.

 

He wanted a drink. But that would be the stupid thing to do. He needed to be clear and focused for awhile. His brain had been too fuzzy for too long. He’d have to settle for coffee. He briefly considered breakfast but his stomach was in knots. Maybe something later.

 

Sam stumbled in after the pot was done. It’s like he had a Spidey sense for fresh coffee. They silently acknowledged each other’s presence and settled on opposite sides of the table. Cas was next, looking disheveled.  

 

“You sleep?” Dean broke the silence.

 

“I did. I need to go shopping. Now that I’m home for awhile I wish to have less...formal attire.”

 

“Yeah. I need some stuff, too.” Dean said. He didn’t but he didn’t want Cas out of his sight so soon after coming back.

 

“We’ll go together, then,” Cas agreed. He poured himself a cup of coffee then retreated back to his room to make himself more presentable.

 

“I’m only going to say this once, then you can consider the subject closed,” Sam started. “I fully support you and Cas being a couple.”

 

“Figured you would. That’s never been the problem. The problem is  _ me _ and my issues. 

 

“They don’t seem to be issues for Cas. All I’m saying.” Sam stood up. “We’re out of laundry detergent. Make sure you pick some up.”

 

“Yeah. I’ll do that.”

 

***

 

“So, Pjs or sweatpants?” Dean asked when they got to Menswear.

 

“I like the thin cotton, but perhaps I should get both. I may join Sam on his runs on occasion.” Cas took what Dean held out to him. 

 

“Shirts. V-necks or standard? Plain white? Black? Colors?”

 

“There are so many choices. I actually like the ones with Marvel and Star Wars characters on them.”

 

Dean grinned. “Valid choices. Get what you like. Pick me out a couple, too. We can get our geek on when we have movie nights. Oh! We’re out of popcorn. Don’t let me forget it.”

 

They found a few more basics for Cas. He was still an angel so he didn’t need all the stuff. Dean supposed it was his way of making an effort. Evening the playing field. He wouldn’t bring it up but it wouldn’t go unnoticed.

 

“You said you needed some things as well,” Cas pointed out.

 

“Stuff for the bunker mostly but I have maybe two pairs of jeans without holes in them and I swear Sam is throwing my socks away,” Dean covered.

 

They finished shopping and went to check out. Cas put a divider between his things and Dean’s but Dean put it back. “I got this. We’re gonna wind up borrowing each other’s stuff anyway.”

 

“You guys just move in together?” The cashier asked.

 

“I’m finally making our living situation more permanent,” Cas answered.

 

“Congratulations, then. Oh! You missed a coupon on your detergent.”

 

“Thanks,” Dean muttered. They looked like a couple. They  _ acted _ like a couple. They bickered over Dean’s junk food. They put everything in one cart. Dean was paying for everything.

 

They always sat on the same side of the booth at restaurants. Dean fussed over Cas’ appearance before they interviewed people. They took over Sam’s bed when they watched movies on his TV. They were a couple without being a couple.

 

“How important is sex to you, Cas?” Dean brought up on the drive home.

 

“Not very. I would enjoy it, but I can live without it."

 

“So if I could never  _ be _ with you like that, that would be okay with you?”

 

“I’d ask you not to have sexual encounters with women, to be faithful, but I wouldn’t ask for something you aren’t prepared to give.”

 

“I wouldn’t...I wouldn’t hurt you like that. If I commit to something with you, then it’s all you.”

 

“Are you considering it? Commitment?”

 

“I just...what do you expect from me?”

 

“This. Talking to me, spending time with me even for the mundane. I’d like to be acknowledged as your partner. Do you have any expectations of me?”

 

“Patience? It might take me awhile to get comfortable with everything. I mean, yeah...I can say I’m taken, tell people we’re together. People assume we are anyway most of the time. Never bothered me. But affection beyond the hugs? That takes time. Not because you’re a guy, okay? I’ve tried to be...impersonal with other people. I’m not used to it. Kissing was just a bridge to sex.”

 

“I understand that, Dean. So we are in agreement?”

 

“Sounds like we’re making a business deal. We’re...boyfriends. Damn that sounds weird. Guess I better get used to it, huh? ‘Hi, I’m Dean. This is my boyfriend, Cas.’ ‘Sorry, not interested. Got a boyfriend waiting at home.’”

 

Cas smiled. “I like it.”

 

“You know, last night...still pretty raw about it. I’m not shutting down. I just don’t think I can talk anymore about it for awhile. I need to be able to not lash out or have another meltdown. I need you to know that so you don’t worry.”

 

Castiel tentatively placed his hand over Dean’s. “You asked patience from me and you shall have it.”

 

“Thanks, Cas. That means a lot to me. I wanna get to a better place so I can be there when Sam needs me. I trust you to get me there, ‘cause I need to be there for you, too. Equal partnership.”

 

“Equal partnership,” Cas agreed. He considered it a win that Dean didn’t pull his hand away until they were back in the garage.

 

He helped Dean carry in the bags and put away the household goods. He took his things to his bedroom to sort and put away. They probably wouldn’t be going out for the rest of the day so he changed into his black lounge pants and a Star Wars tee. He read quietly until Dean knocked on his door later in the evening.

 

“You wanna go invade Sam’s room for a movie? I made some popcorn.”

 

“Sure, Dean. Want me to grab some beer?”

 

“Yeah. Bring the six pack.”

 

The three of them settled into their usual spots, Dean and Cas on the bed and Sam in his chair with his feet propped up. He had a small bowl of popcorn while Dean and Cas shared a larger one. About halfway through the movie Dean’s phone vibrated. Sam paused the film.

 

“Hey, Jody. Nah. Hanging out watching a movie. Yeah, Sam and...and my boyfriend Cas. It’s new. Well you didn’t give me a chance to call you first. Hang on,” he turned to Cas. “Jody wants to know if she can tell Claire.”

 

“I think we should tell her.”

 

“Cas wants you to put her on. Claire? I’m here with Cas.” Dean put the phone on speaker.

 

“Claire? Dean and I are involved...romantically,” Cas said.

 

_ “Okay?” _

 

“I see you’re taking it well,” Dean said.

 

_ “Yeah. Dudes date dudes. No big. Cas? We need to talk about some stuff so...can you call me back in like an hour?” _

 

“Of course, Claire. I have many things to tell you as well.” Cas confirmed. Dean finished his social call from Jody and motioned for Sam to start the movie again.

 

“Wait, you told Jody and Claire before me? Your brother? The other guy who lives here?” Sam held the remote hostage.

 

“You said you’d be fine with it!” Dean argued. But he did kind of forget to mention it. 

 

“I am. Just...keep me in the loop.”

 

“Fine. You know. Now less talky more movie.” Dean smiled and nudged Cas’ shoulder. It would take a long time and subtle changes but he’d get where Cas needed him to be. For the moment he needed this.


End file.
